


J. Jonah Jameson's Marvellous Adventure

by MagisterShiryu



Category: Marvel, Marvel (Comics), Spider-Man - All Media Types, ジョジョの奇妙な冒険 | JoJo no Kimyou na Bouken | JoJo's Bizarre Adventure
Genre: Action/Adventure, Gen, Humor, Jojo - Freeform, Marvel Universe, Stands (JoJo)
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-06-10
Updated: 2020-07-05
Packaged: 2021-03-04 04:53:26
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 7,344
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24648268
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/MagisterShiryu/pseuds/MagisterShiryu
Summary: Read as J. Jonah Jameson and an unlikely group of allies face a nebulous force that threatens New York!
Comments: 1
Kudos: 9





	1. Enter: J. Jonah Jameson

Jonah Jameson’s Marvellous Adventure  
___  
  
John Jonah Jameson had not expected this to happen when he’d woken up this morning. The day began as it normally did, yet it had quickly gone from bad to worse to possibly the worst… First, Parker had been missing for nearly a week, which was worrying in and of itself, then he’d been harassed by Jessica Jones and her sidekick, Doreen Whatever _about_ Parker… And now, someone was trashing his offices!  
  
“Boss… You might want to see who it is.” His security guard said over the microphone he kept in his office, sounding slightly terrified.  
  
“You want me to see whatever delinquent is trashing _my_ offices this time?! Just tell me who it is, Michael!” Jameson immediately barked, feeling irritated already, ignoring the two women who were just awkwardly standing there.  
  
“It’s the… It’s the Rhino, boss.” Michael replied and Jameson felt his irritation… be replaced by anger.  
  
“Well, why haven’t you ordered an evacuation yet or called the police?! What do I pay you for if you aren’t even capable of protecting my people and my building?!” John snapped, having reached his tether multiple times at this point.  
  
“He’s, ah, blocking the exit… And he wants to see you, boss.” Michael said, only for his voice to be replaced by a familiar Russian-accented voice.  
  
“Jameson! Come down here or I’m going to start breaking your ‘people’ in half. You have one minute.” The Rhino declared, his voice almost sounding… distorted to John, but he dismissed it out of hand.  
  
He stood there in utter silence for a brief moment as the microphone shut off... Before a courageous yet impulsive fury took him over, as he marched towards the elevator. 

Only for an arm clothed in black leather to go block his exit and stop him in his tracks and a distinctly unimpressed voice sounding to his right. “I seriously hope you aren’t thinking of going down there, Jameson.”  
  
“I. Will. Not. Let. A COSTUMED FREAK butcher my workforce!” John retorted, immediately ducking underneath the arm and marching towards the elevator… He turned around for a brief moment to give her a glare. “And if you _are_ so bothered by me going down there, how about you call the police instead of trying to stop me?”  
  
Jessica Jones sighed irritably in response, throwing her hands into the air exasperatedly. “Fine! But I’m coming with you.”  
  
“I’ll come too then!” The redheaded girl immediately stated exuberantly, jumping off where she’d been sitting at his window.  
  
“Doreen… You know why I can’t let you do that.” Jones replied seriously, briefly entering a staring contest with her sidekick… Only for the younger girl to lose, glaring at his carpet.  
  
“Can you hurry it up if you are coming with me?” John demanded, not particularly caring for whatever interplay was going on between the two - he had a supervillain threatening his staff for goodness’ sake!  
  
“Alright, calm down, old man.” The private detective retorted, following him into the elevator, where silence ensued for a brief moment. “I’m sorry about this, by the way.”  
  
“What do you mean?” The former journalist asked irritably, turning around to look at her - only for a fist to suddenly rocket to his face, the world going dark.  
___  
  
Jessica flexed her hand reflexively, scowling to herself. “This really isn’t going according to plan, is it?” She asked no-one in particular, even as she began to heave the stubborn old man over her shoulder without much effort.  
  
Walking almost casually out of the elevator, she glanced around the office for a brief moment, only to find what she needed - a hiding spot for Jameson, which was coincidentally, a broom closet. As much as she disliked his campaign against Peter (or more particularly, his costumed self), she didn’t want him dead.  
  
...She would admit to finding the act of punching him out to be satisfying as hell, even as she practically heard the chiding that Luke would’ve given her, if he were here.  
  
“Jones.” The Rhino said respectively, turning towards her and away from his hostages, as she entered the lobby. “Where’s Jameson?”  
  
“Indisposed at the minute… I thought that you’d gone straight, Alexei?” Jessica asked curiously, even as she spied Squirrel Girl carrying the hostages away with an army of bizarrely quiet squirrels, giving her a wink as she did.  
  
“I…” The massive Russian man said hesitantly, his dark eyes suddenly going completely white, an utterly bizarre, almost alien smell suddenly wafting in from nowhere. “I found a better opportunity then that.”  
  
The private investigator went silent for a brief moment after that, shivering for a brief moment at the thought (and the memories) that went through her head. Was he really… It made sense but...  
  
“So you really just went and abandoned your girlfriend for a few bucks?” She asked bluntly, purposefully casting a disgusted look at him.  
  
The Rhino looked utterly revolted for a moment, only for an arrogant look to take its place, sticking out his extremely long tongue at her. “She was only bringing me down… I feel just so much larger and stronger in the suit.”  
  
Jessica wrinkled her nose in genuine disgust this time. “I guess it doesn’t matter why you’re doing it… Since you’ve got no leverage now.”  
  
The supervillain turned around to see that his hostages were gone… and grinned, his muscles all tensing up. “Thanks for that - now I can destroy this building without much hassle from my boss!”  
  
...Well _fuck_. Why did she have to open her fat mouth all of the time?  
___  
  
John woke up with a distinct pain at the back of his head and enveloped in darkness. Where did that mad woman put him? Reaching around with his hands, he felt the familar hard wood of a broom and frowned.  
  
Now all he had to do was get out of here.  
___  
  
Jessica barely threw herself out of the way of the Rhino’s charge in time. She had almost gotten skewered by his horn and immediately wondered to herself - how did Pete even fight this guy at all? She got the distinct feeling that even the strongest of her punches wouldn’t even give the slightest twinge of pain to this hulking mass of a man.  
  
“Jess! You alright?” Squirrel Girl asked her, immediately lending her a hand to pick herself up.  
  
“I’m just _dandy_.” She snarkily replied, dusting herself off as she accepted her friend’s hand. “Any sign of the Avengers or somebody on the horizon?”  
  
“They’re still comatose after Thor pulled out his old keg of Asguardian Mead from his cellar yesterday, so nope for the Avengers.” Doreen replied instantly and almost annoyingly enthusiastically, glancing at the grey monolith that was smashing the place up and then back out the street and at the sky. “And uh… I didn’t see anyone else…”  
  
“Fuck me… So we’re on our own?” Jessica said, receiving a hesitant nod from the younger girl.  
  
The army of squirrels that her companion had summoned were being easily defeated as the Rhino batted them away with ease. It would have been almost harrowingly gory, if the squirrels didn’t seem almost stupidly tough, bouncing off and around the destroyed walls.  
  
As the towering man turned towards the two women that had caused him so much trouble, the detective let out an audible gulp and briefly closed her eyes, awaiting the impact.  
  
“RHINO!” A distinct voice rose up from the middle of the destroyed lobby. Jessica opened her eyes to see that Jameson was striking a distinct pose - standing tall, legs straight, his left hand clenched into a fist, and his right pointing at Rhino.  
  
A strange green energy was shining off his poised body, casting Jameson in a harsh yet strangely entrancing glow.  
  
Squirrel Girl gasped at her side. “No way...”  
  
“Jameson! You’ve come out to die, have you?” Alexei declared, a dangerous glint in his light blue eyes, readying himself. “I’ll make it quick, don’t worry about that.”  
  
“You attack my offices, threaten my staff and start wrecking my building!” The furious greying man declared, not even backing down for a second at the threat. “You’ll make the headlines _again_ for being a vicious brute who wrecked the lives of others for no real gain! Another supervillain to add to the pile, to be remembered as another of society’s rejects! You used to be a man repenting for his mistakes, Rhino but now you’re a two-bit criminal not even worth your nickname!”  
  
Jameson paused for a moment, his eyes narrowed even as the Rhino faltered for a brief moment. “That doesn’t matter anymore however... FOR NO-ONE THREATENS THE DAILY BUGLE AND GETS AWAY WITH IT AS LONG AS I, JOHN JONAH JAMESON, AM ALIVE!”  
  
The green energy was now transforming into a distinct shape, standing side with Jonah. It was a tall, humanoid-esque with green and dark blue skin. It didn’t have any clothes, but it was distinctly shaped like a noir journalist - fedora, suit and all. She spied on the humanoid’s fists, a distinct pair of white knuckle dusters with ‘TRUTH’ written on them.  
  
“ANU!” The humanoid shouted as the Rhino charged, his hands first catching the Rhino’s charge, before letting his fist launch into the side of the massive armored man’s face, sending him recoiling back into a wall, looking dazed as a distinct black shadow exited his body. Jessica immediately took note of it, possibly confirming her first hypothesis, she supposed.  
  
The large monolith looked around for a brief moment, looking utterly confused like he’d just come awake from a coma. “Wha-what am I doing here?”  
  
When the angry publisher looked about ready to eviscerate him vocally, Squirrel Girl moved to talk instead, immediately trying to sooth the confused man. “You tried to destroy the Daily Bugle and you took some of its employees hostage… Do you not remember why?”  
  
“No… I don’t even remember grabbing my suit or anything…” Alexei said confusedly, looking at the three people gathered around searchingly. “I swore off crime, I swear.”  
  
“What’s the last day that you remember?” Jessica asked instead, after a brief, uncomfortable pause where even the angry Jameson looked slightly off-put by that revelation.  
  
“May 9th,” the Rhino replied with a confused upturn of his voice.  
  
“That was a week ago.” Doreen wondered aloud, looking utterly horrified with the idea of not knowing what you’d done for a week… And it happened an unfortunate amount in their world.  
  
Alexei stared at the two women for a moment, shooting a slightly terrified look at Jameson, who didn’t say a thing, looking like he was contemplating something. Any fight within the man’s body, left him and he crumpled to the floor. “...I can’t go back to the Raft. You gotta trust me, I didn’t do this.”  
  
“It doesn’t matter if you were in your right mind or not.” The publisher retorted fiercely, ignoring the noise of protest that Doreen made. “Justice must be served… Or do you really intend to renege on that promise you made to yourself?!”  
  
“How…?” The Rhino whispered, staring at the publisher with a shocked look on his face, before shaking his head and trying to stand up straight. Well, that was a strange interaction, to say the least, Jessica thought. “It doesn’t matter how you know, Jameson. You’re right.”  
  
“But… You were being possessed!” Squirrel Girl protested, staring at the two men with a surprised look on her face.  
  
“Don’t worry about me.” Alexei stated honestly, shooting the young girl a comforting smile. “I may not have been myself, but I still did the crimes, little squirrel. If I am to become a truly honest man and redeem myself of my sins, I must face the music as you Americans are fond of saying.”  
  
The leather-clad woman put a comforting hand on Doreen’s shoulder, who seemed genuinely torn on the subject and eventually decided to speak as the sirens of the police finally grew closer. “I know a good lawyer, I’ll put in a good word for you.”  
  
The hulking grey man merely nodded at the three of them in response, as he began to slowly walk out of the rather beaten down building, his hands raised in surrender.  
  
As the police took care of the Rhino, the private investigator turned towards Jameson, a genuinely questioning look on her face. “What the hell did you do there to stop the Rhino?”  
  
“Does it matter? Now, if you’ll excuse me, I have my insurance to contact.” Jameson retorted rudely, turning to grab his cellphone as Jessica began to fume.  
  
“You did knock him out and throw him into a broom closet,” Doreen pointed out.  
  
Jessica waved away the remark and immediately slumped down into the half-shattered floor, grimacing, as she pondered over the investigation in her head. “I guess it really doesn’t matter what sorta powers Jameson has… Still no closer to finding Peter Parker, am I?”  
  
“There’s always that black stuff that came out of Rhino when Jameson’s… thing punched it.” Her companion perkily said, crouching down next to her as the squirrels from earlier began to gather around them.  
  
“True…” The black-haired woman replied, even as she realized something… When had Peter disappeared? Spider-Man was last seen on the 25th of April, but there were times that Pete just didn’t need to use the suit so… “Hey, Jameson?”  
  
“What?” Jameson replied somewhat irritably, as he put his phone away.  
  
“When did Peter Parker last come into work?” Jessica asked, pushing aside her desire to snap to the side for once.  
  
“I think it was the first, why? Kid’s freelance, he doesn’t have consistent work hours.” The publisher replied somewhat more calmly, raising an eyebrow at her. “What, you think that Parker’s disappearance and Rhino’s memory loss are connected somehow?”  
  
Well shit… She should have known that he’d be clever enough to connect the dots… She merely hoped that he wasn’t able to connect _them all_. “Nah… Just wondering, cause his aunt said she’d last seen him on the thirtieth, so…”  
  
“Why didn’t you ask me that before then, if they’re unconnected?” Jameson replied, narrowing his eyes at her.  
  
Jessica finally let out a small, stubborn scowl, finally standing up straight. “That’s my business, not yours.”  
  
“It became my business as soon as it concerned Parker, so don’t even TRY to pull that on me.” The greying man retorted, an equally fierce scowl on his face.  
  
“Urgh!” Jessica groaned out, letting her head hang to the floor in annoyance and closing her eyes. Why the hell did he have to be _so stubborn_.  
  
“...Is there something wrong with her?” The publisher asked slightly confusedly, tilting his head at an angle.  
  
“She’s not used to someone being as stubborn as she is, I think.” Doreen answered honestly, immediately proceeding to poke her on the shoulder… And then her squirrels proceeded to all follow her lead, poking the Investigator with their heads. 

"Fine! I'll keep you posted, Jameson, deal?" The detective said exasperatedly, whilst barely resisting the urge to punt the squirrels across the room. 

"That's all I want, Miss Jones." Jameson stated firmly, turning on his heel and walking away, briefly turning to give the two of them the smallest of nods before continuing on his walk. 

"Huh, he called me Miss Jones." Jessica idly remarked, before feeling the impact of another dozen annoying pokes and immediately twitching. 

She was going to kill that girl someday, she thought, even as a mysterious beeping entered her ear. 

___

_Meanwhile, from atop another building overlooking the carnage…_

"My lord," a mysterious figure said to his earpiece, idly fiddling around with the gauntlets on his wrists. "Alexei, I mean, the Rhino has failed in his task."

A brief moment of silence passed, with only the crackle of the earpiece and the ambience of New York City in their ears. 

"What caused him to fail?" A distinctly distorted voice rose through their earpieces. 

"Jameson… It was some sort of apparition he summoned that actually stopped the Rhino, but…" The figure spoke once more, sounding rather afraid of something or, perhaps, someone. 

"A Stand, just like my own." The other figure revealed, sounding almost maniacally intrigued. "I've already made preparations, my lord, all I need is for your approval!" 

The voice let out a dark chuckle. "Of course… Go on. I love seeing what your mind conjures up."

"You won't be disappointed, I swear…" The figure said malevolently, even as the beeping got louder and louder… 

**TO BE CONTINUED**


	2. Chapter 2

J. Jonah Jameson’s Marvellous Adventure - Chapter 2

___

“Damn… Sounds intense, Dad.” Junior said, sounding impressed if worried for his old man, even through the phone. “You do realize how easily you could have gotten killed?”

The man didn’t answer for a moment, simply because he didn’t really know what to say to that. He could have easily died if that… thing hadn’t manifested, yet he distinctly remembered only a stubborn prideful desire to verbally destroy the Rhino. “Of course I do, but… I’ll admit it, son, I hadn’t even realized I’d been in danger until my ability stopped that criminal in his tracks.”

“I felt the same when I was Man-Wolf occasionally,” the astronaut replied reassuringly, even as his tone became serious. “Just think a bit more about who you’re facing, please?”

“Don’t worry about me," John stated, even as he felt immensely frustrated as the car in front of him began to slow down to a stop. "What is that person in front of me doing?!"

"Are you okay…?" His son asked inquisitively over the phone. 

"Somebody in front of me has stopped… In the MIDDLE OF A ZEBRA CROSSING!" The publisher replied, finally feeling his frustration boiling over… And then feeling rather guilty about it. "Sorry, junior, shouldn't have shouted like that."

"It's fine, trust me. Wanna talk about something else?" The boy, no, man said, trying his best to change the subject… But Jameson wasn't listening, too busy observing the man getting out of the car in front of him, fists clenched, looking like he would smash the first thing he saw. 

He was almost insanely muscular with a strange growth on his left shoulder, and a pained expression on his face. John even wondered for a brief moment if he'd seen his scarred face before, across his long career as a journalist and publisher but nothing came to him. 

"Dad? What's up with you? You spacing out or something?" Jonah asked with an undertone of worry, briefly interrupting his train of thought. 

"...Just give me five minutes, son." John replied, as the muscle-bound man turned towards his car, an incredibly pissed off look in his eye. 

"Wai-" His son tried to say, before he slammed the car door shut, clambering out to meet this strangely aggressive man, knowing almost instinctively that this wasn’t going to go well. An instinct from his years as a crime-focused journalist before he’d begun the Daily Bugle, he supposed.

“Are you okay, sir?” The publisher asked, raising his hands up cautiously as the man turned towards him, the strangely discolored growth twisting on itself.

“I-I dunno,” the profusely sweating man replied, clutching his head as he approached him, the growth on the arm beginning to move. “I just… FEEL SO MUCH PAIN!” 

John didn’t even have the time to react, as a bellowing scream echoed from the growth, sending him flying backwards towards a nearby building. The avatar from last time almost instantly manifested as he panicked, grabbing onto a nearby lamppost to swing the two of them around, letting him land in a clumsy scramble.

A genuine feeling of terror came over him, as he realized how close he had come to dying… But he couldn’t give into it. Not when there was a maniac like this around, threatening the good people that he’d sworn to help!

“I recognize you.” The man said in a maddened daze, the growth now taking over his entire arm… John knew at that moment, what was responsible for this man’s condition. “Yes… I get it now - if I kill you, then this pain will stop!”

“The pain will only stop if you fight against this parasite!” John retorted firmly, his words stopping the madman in his tracks as he clutched his head, seemingly caught in a war on two fronts. “If you give in now, you’ll be exactly what you seem right now… A violent psychopath who threatens the life of his fellow man for no reason! Are you that person, my good sir?!”

The fair-haired man started to cry, clutching his head as the growth slowly began to consume his chest and his face. “Help me please… It’s too strong…”

He felt his fists clench and his teeth grit as the man’s voice disappeared, to be replaced by a distorted feminine cackle. “Your words aren’t going to be enough, so stop even trying, Jameson!”

“What are you doing to that man?!” The former journalist demanded, utterly furious, pointing his finger at the horrifying creature that stood before him. “And who are you?!”

“What does it matter? You and your Stand are going to die to my power anyway, and you won’t be able to do anything about it…” The creature responded.

It was an utterly repulsive black and white blob of flesh that covered the man’s body, with the only defining feature being an impossibly large mouth from the knee to the shoulder… And then it screamed.

The force of the soundblast was so powerful that it threw countless amount of rubble into the air and sent Jameson flying backwards, forcing the man to command his 'Stand' to grab onto a nearby building and slingshot him behind it, narrowly avoiding the rubble that threatened to crush him.

“Crap!” He swore loudly, as his ears started to bleed from the loudness of the screams that echoed in front of him, the building that was in front of him being slowly blasted to pieces, as the monstrosity began to pursue him.

“JAMESON! GET BACK HERE!” The monster bellowed as loudly as it could, not caring at all for the consequences.

‘I need to get away from here.’ John thought to himself as he struggled upright, running as fast as he could, as the building that had acted as his cover began to slowly crumble beneath the weight of the soundblasts.

Jonah then heard a scream that pierced through his instinctual thoughts, wheeling around to see someone get brutally crushed by a piece of rubble… And felt a surge of anger course through him - both at himself and at his pursuer. 

If he ran further into the city, or merely waited for someone to save him, when he had the ability to save these fair people… He was just as responsible as the villain for their deaths. 

Marching back towards the danger, he began to formulate a plan to defeat his opponent… All he needed was to get closer. 

"You malicious fiend!" Jameson bellowed angrily, utterly ignoring any and all injuries that he may have incurred, as he came face to face with the monster, whose massive mouth curved into a smirk at his anger. "Why are you causing all of this carnage just to kill me?!" 

"You are the one that caused this by resisting!" The abomination declared, laughing maniacally. "If only you'd let yourself die like I asked, none of this would have happened, don't you realize that?!" 

Jameson fell silent and hung his head for a brief moment, only a furious growl to rise from his throat. 

"No, you wouldn't have!" He fiercely stated, clenching his fists as he marched closer and closer to his enemy. "You would have gone on a rampage even if I had let myself die to you, just like every other of you super-powered LUNATICS!" 

"AND FRANKLY, I'VE HAD ENOUGH OF IT!" Jameson finished, finally pointing at his adversary as his Stand stood side by side with him, glowing with bright green power. 

"What are you-" The monstrosity tried to say, only to be cut off by a punch. 

"ANU ANU ANU ANU ANU!" The humanoid creature bellowed, his fists smashing fiercely into the monstrosity, literally smashing away at the body to get to the inside, black blood gushing out of the wounds that John was inflicting with his power. 

The monster was literally screaming in pain as Jonah collapsed to the ground from the sheer force of the scream, barely holding onto a bit of floor that had been dug up as his Stand furiously beat this opponent to get to the parasite/Stand/[i]whatever[/i] that had started all of this. 

TRUTH after TRUTH began to overwhelm his mind, as he focused on the truth that'd help him stop this monster: his Stand was causing more damage then it could regenerate fast enough...

All he needed to do was keep himself conscious long enough!

Glancing up for a brief moment, he found the monster trying to aim its scream towards him.

Forcing himself upwards with his tired body that screamed at him as he moved, he rolled his body out of the way of the blast, which utterly tore into pieces where he just was. Glancing at his Stand, who was punching with the force and speed of a bullet, Jameson saw the parasite and immediately tried to grab it.

Grabbing the parasite with both hands, his Stand easily ripped it off the possessed man causing it to shriek loudly in pain. Grasping it firmly, with the obvious intent of squashing it, John asked it firmly, “who else have you possessed like this?”

“Doesn’t matter,” the parasite replied smugly, even as the black and white flesh slowly began to evaporate around the man. “You won’t ever find out-”

“...” Jonah didn’t reply for a brief moment, only for his Stand to punch the parasite before it had finished talking. A frighteningly long list of names instantly appeared in his mind and he grimaced. This attack had been planned, if the truth he’d gotten from this monster was accurate.

“You’ve infected over fifty people with your… Stand.” Jameson revealed, gritting his teeth as a sharp headache came over him.

“How-” The parasite tried to say, sounding genuinely surprised, only for his Stand to punch it once more, another memory appearing in his mind, one that didn’t reveal anything of note besides the fact that the perpetrator was a woman, if her voice was any indication.

His Stand punched it once more, and Jameson let out a small breath that he hadn’t realized he’d been holding. He finally had a lead… Shocker. That layabout had to know who was the one behind all of this - they were working together after all.

“How the hell did you find that out?!” The parasite shrieked, sounding simultaneously terrified and angry. “And stop punching me!”

“This is nothing compared to the suffering you’ve caused for other people!” Jameson retorted angrily. “And why would I explain what my Stand does to you?!”

“Fair point.” It admitted, sounding almost embarrassed. 

John glanced around the destroyed courtyard for a brief moment, the distinct sound of police sirens and more echoing in his ear. It was unlikely he’d get much more information from this thing - it was only one of countless and if he was being honest with himself, he’d gotten lucky.

At last as he handed the police the parasite, after telling them what he knew of the situation, Jonah let out a breath that he hadn’t realized that he’d been holding. 

“The police should be able to handle this now,” he murmured to himself, certainty in his voice. He was no vigilante - he wasn’t about to take justice into his own hands - that was the police’s job. And he’d done his duty as a citizen of New York.

Or at least, that’s what he’d been telling himself...

___

Herman Schultz had always considered himself a pragmatic sort of villain. He’d only fight someone if the pay was worth it, steal something if he was practically certain that he’d get away with it...

It was the reputation that he’d resolved himself to keep up - so why was he hesitating so much against Squirrel Girl? They might’ve had some sorta… bond but that was a while back.

“So uh…” Herman said awkwardly, coughing into his gauntlets. “We should probably get to fighting now, right?”

“I mean… I kinda wanna find out what you’ve been doing in the last few months. It’s been a while, yo!” Squirrel Girl replied, not even readying herself for a fight at all. She was practically casually leaning on a bit of wall, for crying out loud!

“I mean, I got a reputation to uphold, ya get me…” Shocker tried to reply, only for the young girl to immediately begin pouting, crocodile tears pouring out her eyes. Even if they were fake, he had no intention of letting people think he made girls cry, goddammit! “Fine… But it ain’t that exciting.”

“I mean, there’s gotta be a reason why you’re fighting me instead of, I dunno, Spidey… Like isn’t he the guy you got the most beef with?” The young girl asked curiously, tilting her head at him, the tears instantly vanishing.

“I wouldn’t say that! The only reason that I fight that wall-crawling jerk more is pure luck.” Shocker vehemently denied, waving his arms around animatedly. “Pragmatism and me, we’re best buddies, so why would I even wanna fight that guy the amount of times I have?”

“Are you suuuuure?” Squirrel Girl teased, her face somewhat flushed red, causing Shocker to falter, nearly face planting into a wall.

“What the hell are you imagining in that head of yours?!” Schultz retorted, pointing at her accusingly. 

“Nothing.” The young girl immediately answered, suspiciously so. “But uh… Still, why are you targeting me?”

“Trust me, it ain’t because I got beef with you. Hell, you’re one of only heroes that ever bothers to hear us villains out before beating us into a pulp.” The lanky man replied, scowling as he remembered what he’d been tasked to do… And feeling fortunate that he’d merely been hired and not ‘recruited’.

“If you say so, Shocky-Man.” Squirrel Girl replied nonchalantly, before getting excited once more. “Wanna hear something amazing though?”

“Uh… Sure,” he replied somewhat hesitantly, praying that it didn’t have anything to do with boys, girls or whatever. He’d gotten more then enough of that from his own little sister, thank you very much.

The teenage girl immediately launched into a rather long and winding explanation about a rather brief fight of her, _Jameson_ and Jones against Alexei… Which immediately caused him to ask rather concernedly about his friend, having not seen what happened after the fight. Damn that woman and her impatience.

“He surrendered to the police… I have no clue what that old man and his thing did, but it certainly did something!” She responded exuberantly, waving her hands around almost as animatedly as he had earlier.

“You really shouldn’t-” Shocker tried to say, cringing instinctively at what she said, only to give up at the confused look on her face. “Ya know what? Nevermind, forget I said anything.”

Squirrel Girl shrugged at the response, and Herman briefly thought that he saw an impish smile on her face… That little mischievous…

He was torn from his thoughts by the sounds of someone shouting rather loudly and then a building being torn up, likely by someone being thrown in one. And yes, it was a rather distinctive sound, you could trust him on that. Glancing at Squirrel Girl, who immediately began sprinting towards the danger, Herman Schultz immediately began debating with himself for a moment.

Pragmatism told him to just book it now - he didn’t have any beef with whoever was fighting… And yet some part of his shrivelled yet young heart didn’t feel exactly content with the thought. 

“Hey, you coming?” The teen asked over her shoulder, looking rather hopeful for some reason. Didn’t she realize who she was talking to?

“Urgh… Fine, I’ll help you… Just this once.” Schultz replied reluctantly, trailing slightly behind the surprisingly happy girl. “I am going to be robbing _s_ _omething_ though. I got a reputation to uphold.”

“Pah,” Squirrel Girl retorted dismissively, waving her hand. “It isn’t like anyone’s gonna see you, so there legitimately ain’t no reason to rob anything!”

“We’re going to a superhero fight, of course we’re going to be seen.” Shocker replied exasperatedly, before raising his hands in surrender at her look. “Damn you, fine… But I want a free bank robbery with no repercussions, after this, alright?”

“I mean, I can stop myself from stopping you but…” The young teenager replied hesitantly, causing him to groan.

“Urgh… I guess that’s the best I’m gonna get, so sure.” The criminal reluctantly accepted, quickly blasting his gauntlets towards the ground to launch himself towards the carnage, causing cracks to appear where he aimed them.

Arriving at the semi-collapsed building, which had fortunately been abandoned a while back, he found a sight that simultaneously grossed him out, made him raise an eyebrow, and facefault. “...Fuck.”

“What’s up- oh god.” Squirrel Girl asked him, landing next to him on the roof with a crash. 

Luke Cage was being thrown around by some sort of disgusting and familiar meat monster, that Shocker distinctly recognized… After all, he’d been working with the lady that had made them. 

Before he had the chance to say anything, the monstrous thing turned towards them on the rooftop and _la_ _ughed._ “Fancy seeing you here, Shocker.”

“Fuck me.” Herman replied, letting his head hang loosely. What the hell was he supposed to do now?! 

“Wait you know this… thing?!” Luke Cage bellowed loudly and angrily, as he began to stand once more, seemingly not much worse for wear.

“Only know the woman who made them, Cage!” Shocker retorted, raising his hands placatingly. He was up shit creek here, wasn’t he? 

“How is that much better?!” The incredibly strong man answered, throwing his hands in the air in exasperation. “Nevermind… My wife is in there, controlled by that thing, you gotta help me!”

“Wait, Jess is in there, Luke?” Squirrel Girl quietly asked, sounding both angry and afraid for her friend. 

Schultz looked between the two friends as Cage reluctantly nodded, the monster just standing there, a grin on its smug face as it patiently waited, seemingly getting a massive kick out of causing them pain.

He wasn’t about to pretend that he was a good person… He’d ruined countless lives with his schemes, and he’d gotten a quite comfortable life because of it… But if there was one thing that Herman Schultz despised more than anything, it was bullies.

Which was hypocritical, he knew. Just by virtue of doing the job that he did, he was one of the biggest bullies around… But she was making it personal now, he thought, as he glanced at the girl by his side who was clutching her fists.

“You’ll have to get through the skin to grab the parasite that lays inside. I get the feeling that you’ll recognize it, Cage.” Shocker revealed after a brief moment, causing the two heroes to turn to him, and the monster’s smirk to slowly disappear from it’s face. “Then you’ll have to rip it from Jones’ body… And you’ll have to do it super fast, or you’ll risk causing catastrophic damage to her internal organs.”

“Shocker…” Squirrel Girl murmured next to him, some emotion he couldn’t quite recognize in her voice, even as an enraged fist slam shook the building around them.

“I swear, Schultz, that I am going to rip your balls off and feed them to you.” The monster swore loudly, turning ominously towards the roof… As an ear-shattering scream blasted them sky-high.

Shocker let out a scream as he found himself free-falling from about three hundred feet higher then he’d been previously, with each bone in his body vibrating like crazy on top of that. 

As he briefly contemplated how he was ever going to regain his reputation after all this was said and done, Shocker immediately brandished his gauntlets as the ground came closer and closer, the blasts of concentrated air launching himself towards the ongoing fight between Cage and the monster, which was closer to a slugfest then an actual fight.

Schultz immediately fired a powerful blast of his gauntlets towards the being, sending it flying away from Luke into a nearby wall, just before it seemed like it was about to get the advantage over the intimidating black man. 

“Thanks for the save.” Cage admitted reluctantly. “That thing’s skin is ridiculously tough, and it seems to be able to regenerate from each of the blows I inflict to it.”

Before Herman had the chance to reply, a loud cackling interrupted him from the monster, who began to stand up once more. “That’s the power of my Stand! The more soundwaves that echo in an area, the tougher this shell becomes… And you’re all making more noise just by being around me!”

Shocker glanced at his reluctant ally, who merely nodded at him… They both knew what they needed to do.

As Cage began to charge the monster once more with a defiant cry, Shocker immediately propulsed himself up the wall, using microscopic impacts to bounce himself. Landing on the roof once more, he began to slowly blast the bit of roof that he was on, cracks appearing all around it.

From where he was sitting, Schultz felt thankful that he hadn’t decided to side with her. Cage was currently throwing her around the room with carefully placed punches and shoulder tackles. 

As it approached the trap that they’d laid, Luke charged it, _p_ _ushing_ past the soundblast that it sent towards him, before grabbing it by the head and throwing it over his shoulder, slamming it brutally into the ground.

“Now!” The hero ordered, and Shocker immediately obeyed, blasting the bit of roof. A literal landslide of rubble and concrete landed on the monster, trapping it beneath the rubble. Letting himself fall with it, Shocker maximized the power gauge on his gauntlets before blasting the rubble with his gauntlets, shooting towards the monster with an almost ridiculous speed.

“...I hope we haven’t hurt Jones by doing this,” Herman asked, slightly concernedly. “Also where’s Squirrel Girl?”

“I don’t know… On both accounts.,” the orange t-shirt clad man replied coolly, even as a loud soundblast immediately echoed from the rubble, sending it all flying upwards _a_ _nd_ towards them. “Look out!”

Shocker didn’t have the time to react, before Cage immediately pushed him out of the way of the rubble. Wheeling around, he saw the man collapse to the floor, buried under a pile of concrete. 

Before he had the time to say anything, the monster immediately bounded towards him. Shocker immediately brandished his gauntlets and attempted to blast it… A small whiff of air petered out of them, not even stopping the advance of the creature. “Oh for-”

“You’ve been in a pain in my ass for far too long, Shocker.” She said dangerously, speaking through the parasite... Any sign of the cackling mocking lunatic disappeared as she grabbed him by the throat and began to squeeze. “You don’t even deserve the effort of torturing… Just to die.”

Herman felt his vision go dark as the last gasps of air slowly disappeared out of his lungs. He was about to die here… The thought made him utterly terrified. At least Squirrel Girl was hopefully far away from here, he thought to himself, in a vain attempt to comfort himself. 

“COMING THROUGH HERE!” A distinct voice interrupted, the loud accelerating of an engine nearing his ears as he felt a woosh of air in front of him, and suddenly there was no hand around his throat. 

An explosion soon rang out afterwards, as he felt a gloved hand grab him by the shoulder. “You okay, Shocker?”

“Just… Need to catch my breath.” Schultz answered, glancing up to see Squirrel Girl looking at him with a concerned look in her eye. “You saved my ass.”

“You just destroyed my car!” A loud cranky voice bellowed, interrupting the moment in an instant. “Do you realize how much that cost?!”

“Calm down, old guy… We’ll just ask those Damage thingie guys to pay it back for us! After all, we are beating up villains here!” Squirrel Girl immediately replied, causing the aforementioned ‘old guy’ to growl irritably.

“Jameson…? What are you doing here?” Shocker asked, slightly shocked to see the publisher here of all places.

“She convinced me,” Jameson replied bluntly, pointing at the girl. “I still believe the police should handle this, just for your information.”

“Blah, blah! Remember what I told you, think of this as a chance to make some sorta story out of it or something.” The teenage hero retorted, waving away his concerns, as the rubble began to mysteriously lift itself from Cage, who began to groggily stand up, assisted by Jameson and Squirrel Girl.

“What a touching reunion we’re having here,” the creature sarcastically declared, lifting itself once more, the burnt and destroyed flesh slowly knitting itself together. As it’s eyes came across Jameson, an… afraid(?) stance came across it. “It’s you… You’ve already destroyed one of us.”

“And I’ll destroy all of you, if I have to.” The greying old man declared fiercely, and Herman got the distinct feeling that s _omething_ was different. He couldn’t pinpoint it, but he could definitely feel it.

As J.J declared that, an army of squirrels immediately descended from… He genuinely had no idea, immediately grabbing the monsters limbs and forcing it to fall over. The old man and Cage glanced at each other, and they both seemingly knew what they had to do… 

As the two got to work, fists smashing quickly and violently into the monster, Shocker glanced at Squirrel Girl who was looking at him admiringly. “What do you want, kid?”

“I always knew you were a good guy at heart, Shocker.” The teen stated, continuing when he scoffed. “You could have always dipped or helped it out… Especially since you were the one helping it before.”

“You’re far too clever for your own good.” He replied, with a small chuckle. “You remind me of my sister at times. The same… Energy, I suppose.”

“Thanks…?” Squirrel Girl said, seemingly put off kilter by the comparison. 

“Shocker,” Cage interrupted firmly, black blood covering his outfit, looking at him with some sort of… Newfound respect? What the hell was this, some sorta parallel universe?! “We’re gonna need your help, tracking down whoever did this…”

“I could just tell you her name,” Shocker stated somewhat reluctantly. He was already a target of her wrath, might as well make her life as difficult as possible... “Her name… Her name is Shriek. She’s the one that’s creating these… _things_.”

“And what does she intend to do?” Luke asked once more… Only Shocker didn’t have to reply.

“As far as I can tell… She just wants to kill people.” Jameson revealed, looking more then a bit angry at the thought. “Whether it serves a purpose, I have no idea.”

“I was hired by someone, but I could not tell you who it was.” Herman added, causing the three to turn towards him. “All I got was a shitton of money, and an order to help out Shriek… We only started working together a few hours ago.”

“So… We’ve got nothing and no means of tracking em down.” Luke Cage finished for them, sighing for a brief moment, looking incredibly reluctant as he glanced between two phones that he’d fished out of his pockets, before settling on the one with the runic engraving. “Looks like I’m gonna need to call an acquaintance…”

“Is it one that I’ve met?” Squirrel Girl asked curiously.

“I hope not, if only for your own sake.” Luke replied neutrally, before putting the phone to his ear. “...Strange. I’m calling in that favor.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Well, this chapter’s length exceeded any sort of estimation I had on it’s length, and it’s easily the longest chapter I’ve written for anything in quite a while… So, I hope you enjoy it.


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